


I Wish That I Could Stop...

by HappinessisJuuzou (Moongirlx)



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Friendship, Gay Character, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Self-Acceptance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 12:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8014576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moongirlx/pseuds/HappinessisJuuzou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...'Cause it hurts so much.</p><p>Rei falls hard for this beautiful, energetic blond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish That I Could Stop...

**Author's Note:**

> Wellll, this happened. I was feeling some things so I decided to take it out on my Otp. ha. Hahaha. But I'm actually pleased with how this came out, so here ya go. Hope everyone enjoys!
> 
> I'm not happy with the title/summary but those are not my strong suits.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

Ryuugazaki Rei had never had a problem with being gay.

He wasn't sure what it meant when, around age ten, his small group of friends spent lunch hour whispering and giggling in typical prepubescent boy fashion about the hot substitute teacher they had while their usual math teacher was out on maternity leave. He sat quietly, eating from his perfectly organized bento box and poring over a dingy math textbook borrowed from the school library. 

When he was twelve, he stumbled across a magazine belonging to one of those same friends. It was poking out from under the bed innocently, and Rei's curiosity got the best of him. He flipped through the pages full of smooth flesh and long blonde hair while his friend was downstairs making tea. He'd read enough books and heard enough stories from his friends to know that he should be feeling something at the sight of these pictures. All he felt was guilt for finding his friend's private stash. He shoved it back under the bed just as his friend came back upstairs with their barley tea.

At age thirteen, his parents volunteered him to tutor the neighbor kid in math. He was eleven, short and thin with messy auburn hair and a shy smile. Rei took an instant liking to him, the uneasiness in his stomach and effortless smile that spread across his face when he was around him a very different feeling than he'd ever experienced. And six months later, when his pupil-turned-friend announced he had a girlfriend, Rei chewed the inside of his lip to hide the fact that his stomach felt as if it had just plummeted two feet. It was then that Rei came to terms with the fact that he harbored no romantic or sexual feelings for girls, only for his neighbor. Who was a boy.

Rei knew what it was to be gay, even as a young teenager. One of his older cousins was gay, and had been disowned by his parents, and given a black eye by one of his classmates when he confessed to him. Rei knew that, and yet he couldn't bring himself to be upset that he himself was gay, didn't wish he was different. He knew instinctively that it was just a part of who he was, something he couldn't change. So he accepted himself.

\---

The day before his fifteenth birthday, he came out to his parents. His mother hugged him and told him she loved him no matter what, and his father nodded in acknowledgement and went back to reading the paper. He knew that compared to his cousin, and to many other gay men in the world, he had it easy.

And then his first year of high school came around. Rei didn't have many friends, he kept to himself, even once he joined the track team. His middle school friends had gone to a different high school, and he'd become progressively more shy as he'd aged. He ate his lunches alone and kept to himself during class and at practice. All that mattered was that he got good grades and performed well so he could stay on the track team.

That is, until Hazuki Nagisa bounced into his life, all blond curls and brilliant smiles, demanding he join the swim team, and telling him his pole vaulting was beautiful. And while Rei wanted nothing more than to submit to this boy's wish, he instead tried to keep him away, because the pounding of his heart and the sweating of his palms was surely not a good thing. 

But Nagisa persisted. Before he knew it, Rei was telling Nagisa he'd join the swim team, and Nagisa was jumping on him in excitement. "I'll take full responsibility!" He was saying with a 100 watt grin on his face, and Rei was blushing furiously, hiding it with his hand as he pushed his glasses up on his nose.

Rei tried to stay emotionally distant from Nagisa, but he just couldn't. Whenever he would try to take the train home alone, to sit in a different car than Nagisa, the blonde always found him, sitting next to him, much too close for Rei's comfort. Nagisa seemed to know when Rei was feeling down, and would insist on walking him home, and then invite himself in. Rei found himself unable to push the smaller boy away any longer, and threw himself wholeheartedly into the friendship, and into the swim team.

\---

Time passed, and Rei forged strong friendships with stoic Haru, gentle Makoto, fiery Rin, and most of all, charismatic Nagisa. He spent every moment around Nagisa trying not to look at his smiling face for even a second too long, trying not to get lost in those eyes, those bottomless pools of magenta. 

Every day was a battle between Rei's inner daydreamer, and his more practical side. He pondered it way too often, whether or not he should confess his feelings to Nagisa. And then he thought about his cousin, crying after having his heart broken. And while Rei knew Nagisa would never intentionally hurt him, he also knew Nagisa didn't return his feelings. 

\---

More time passed, and Makoto and Haru graduated and left for Tokyo together. Rei and Nagisa were left to manage the swim team in their third and final year of high school. They held try outs, and got themselves two new members. They were nice enough, and talented swimmers, but they weren't Makoto and Haru. Rei distanced himself from them, and he tried to distance himself from Nagisa too, but as usual, his attempts were in vain.

"Rei-chan, are you okay? You seem... a little off lately. Is everything okay?" The genuine concern on Nagisa's face, the way his smile faltered, almost caused tears to pool in Rei's eyes. He looked fiercely at the ground, at the field of wildflowers they were waking through. He remember Nagisa, two years earlier, jogging behind him in his red tracksuit in this very same field.

"I'm fine, Nagisa-kun." But his voice cracked, and he quickened his pace, trying to leave Nagisa behind so he couldn't see his face. 

"Rei-chan." Nagisa grabbed onto his backpack, slowing him down. "What's on your mind? You know you can talk to me about anything. You're my best friend, I won't judge you."

"I..." It was on the tip of his tongue. His heart was pounding, his mouth was dry. Nagisa was looking up at him, his eyes wide, his honeycomb locks blowing across his face with the gentle wind, so beautiful that Rei felt his throat choking up with tears. What's the worst that could happen if he just told him, right now? Surely his feelings would not be returned, but at least he wouldn't be weighed down any longer.

"Nagisa, I..." Nagisa was looking at him expectantly now. "I....I'm just stressed because of school. We'll be graduating soon."

"Rei, we have months before we graduate. You'll be okay. Your grades are perfect, as always." Rei knew Nagisa wasn't satisfied with his answer, he caught him staring at him out of the corner of his eye, but what else could he do. This was something best kept to himself. He couldn't bear the thought of losing this friendship.

That night, he lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering for the first time in his life how much easier things would be for him if he were straight. If he were straight he could look at Nagisa with only friendship in mind, could swim beside him without fearing his eyes would linger on him for too long. If he were straight, he wouldn't be in this much pain, would he?

\---

Two months before graduation, Nagisa got a girlfriend. She was in their math class, tiny and petite with large green eyes. Rei distanced himself from the swim team, distanced himself from Nagisa, distanced himself from everyone, really.

He couldn't bear the ache in his chest when he saw Nagisa with her, holding her close as if she were precious, which Rei thought she must be, if Nagisa liked her. But he couldn't stand the thought of getting to know her. Even though she had done nothing wrong, he could barely even look at her without feeling a twist of anger and jealousy in his stomach.

And so he made excuses about studying and stayed away as much as possible, hiding himself away in the library and taking solace in books. Nothing eased the pain, but being alone was better than being around others. When he was alone he didn't have to force a smile, so fake that it was painful in and of itself.

\---

Graduation approached quickly. After the final rehearsal, Nagisa cornered Rei in the bathroom, where he'd gone to clear his head.

"Rei-chan." Nagisa was angry, an emotion Rei had never seen on that precious face. He looked down at him, unable to form words. He looked so small and vulnerable, dwarfed in the pastel blue cap and gown, his eyes narrowed fiercely, his hands on his hips. Rei wanted to wrap him into a hug and never let go, to erase that anger from his face, remove the crease from between his brows. He didn't.

"Nagisa-kun?" His voice was surprisingly steady.

"Why have you been avoiding me? I only ever saw you at practice and then once we retired from the club, I haven't seen you at all. What did I do wrong, Rei-chan?" HIs voice broke and his face collapsed, any trace of anger gone, replaced by such a tangible sadness that Rei felt his heart shattering.

"It's not- I haven't- You didn't do anything wrong, Nagisa-kun." His hands were shaking so he balled them into fists.

"Then why? Why, Rei-chan? Where have you been?" He took off his cap and ran a hand through his shaggy hair, clearing his bangs off his face, waiting for Rei's reply.

"I'm sorry, Nagisa-kun. It was never my intention to upset you. I just. I needed to have some time alone." There it was, as close as he could get to the truth.

"You could have just told me that." Nagisa's voice was short, clipped. He was still angry. 

Rei had the overwhelming urge to hug him again. He crossed his arms over his chest instead. What could he possibly say to make Nagisa forgive him. He couldn't leave it like this. What he really wanted to do was tell the full truth, that he'd been in love with him for years, and he avoided him because he couldn't bear to see him loving someone else. The words were forcing themselves onto his tongue, he clenched his jaw, he knew it was wrong, he knew it wouldn't solve anything, so why was he doing this?

"Nagisa-kun. I have been avoiding you because I have feelings for you." The words echoed off the tiled walls of the bathroom, echoed in Rei's ears.

Nagisa stared at him. He wasn't smiling. Rei forged on. "I do not expect anything from you, I know you don't have the same feelings for me. I know you have a girlfriend. I don't know why I"m telling you this, other than to get it off my chest. I apologize. I must be going."

"I don't have a girlfriend. We broke up two days ago. Which you would know if you'd been around."

Rei's stomach fluttered. Maybe there was hope, maybe Nagisa felt the same way.

"But... I'm sorry Rei-chan. I can't return your feelings. You're my best friend though, you know that right?"

Rei nodded, ignoring the roaring in his ears and the lump in his throat. He had known this would be the outcome, why had he dared to let himself hope, why had he let himself speak. 

"I'll see you at graduation tomorrow, Nagisa-kun."

Nagisa smiled, but it was dim, there was still hurt gleaming in his eyes. He left the bathroom, and Rei let himself sink to the floor, his cap slipping off his head as he buried his face in his hands and let himself cry for the first time in years. He cried for all the hope he'd just lost, for the friendship he now worried he'd lose, he cried for the sight of the pain in Nagisa's eyes, because he'd avoided his best friend for selfish reasons. He cried for all the daydreams he'd ever had of he and Nagisa having a happy ending together, for all the futures he'd imagined even though he knew it was impossible. And he cried because unrequited love was the most painful things he'd ever experienced.

\---

After graduation, he hugged Nagisa in congratulations, held his friend tightly to him, and Nagisa hugged back fiercely, face stained with tears when he pulled away.

"Rei-chan, please don't think that what you told me changes anything between us. You're still my best friend, nothing will change that. Don't leave me again." He held tight to the front of Rei's graduation robe.

Rei couldn't make that promise, because it would be a lie.

He knew he needed time, time to let this foolish love escape from his heart. Time that moving to Tokyo would provide. He looked down at the blond still holding onto his robe and sniffling, beautiful eyes clouded with tears, wondering how he'd break the news to him.

\---

Rei thrived at college in Tokyo. He made friends, and he saw Makoto and Haru on weekends. He thought about Nagisa daily at first, still mourning for the impossible love. He saw him once a month, his beloved best friend, who always threw himself into his arms when he saw him get off the train.

Sometime during his second year of college, he realized that while he still missed Nagisa, it was in a different way. It didn't hurt anymore. When they saw each other, all he felt was joy to be reunited with his best friend. 

\---

When Rei started dating, Nagisa was the first person he called to tell about his dates. Sometimes they stayed on the phone for hours into the night, talking about their dating mishaps and the ones that went well.

\---

Ryuugazaki Rei had no problem with being gay, and had no desire to be different. He had no desire to change anything.


End file.
